i’m always floating between wanting to settle down in a long term relationship versus having fun, enjoying my youth, hooking up, and focusing on myself.
right now, now that i think about it, it makes sense just to enjoy myself. focus on things i like to do, skills i want to improve, activities i want to get better at, etc. i’m single and i have no one to hold me back from doing anything i want to. it makes sense. i do long for the comfort and security of having someone always there, compatible, and with a close connection. but i can’t spend so much of my time looking or wishing for someone. part of me is scared that if all i do is hook up, then i’m never going to find the one. i’m scared if that’s all i’m looking for, then that’s all i’m going to get.
but maybe, hopefully that special person will probably come along as i go about doing my own things and before i know it, i may have met the one.
i’m going to stay in all month unless it’s someone’s birthday or just chilling. otherwise, i just wanna stay at home. i don’t feel like partying or drinking or clubbing. i think it’s that time of the year when the seasons change, it’s getting cold, and everyone’s feeling down.
the things that we don’t like about ourselves, are they the same things we don’t like about others?
we’re so caught up in our own insecurities, sometimes we don’t realize that it doesn’t even matter. i don’t like my big teeth, but then if someone else had big teeth, that wouldn’t stop me from liking them. so why should i worry about my own big teeth? just things i need to remind myself about.
i’ve been told from my parents every since i was young that i was too skinny, that i should always eat more. every time i go home i expect to hear something about it. but that’s how parents are, right? but i also hear little comments from time to time from friends. it’s usually all jokes and never really gets to me or offends me. but either way, it does weigh in on me at the back of my head.
i’m fully aware that it’s not necessarily a bad or good thing to be skinny and i’m not saying i’ve had it worse than larger people. i do appreciate being skinnier, but sometimes that worry in the back of head can get to me. i don’t want it to affect me badly, but i feel like now i’m constantly afraid of losing the weight and muscle i’ve gained. it’s an insecurity of mine that has been growing. i don’t want to see my chest shrink that i’m continually doing push ups everyday even though my back has been hurting a bit lately. i know i probably shouldn’t be doing as many pushups, but i don’t want to lose a year’s work.
i’m been working out in my own pace. it’s not the fastest, but it’s a convenient pace that fits into my schedule and motivation.
so to recap, a year ago, i started doing 3 or so sets of 10-15 push ups at least 3-4 times a week.
now: i do at least 3 or more sets of 25-28 push ups (a mixture of diamond, declined, and military push ups) on my knuckles (except the diamond) everyday. and i am slowly starting to add more weight by wearing my backpack with a laptop inside it while i do push ups.
i am also starting to add ab workouts (selected Ab Ripper X exercises) at least twice a week and squats too whenever i’m bored.
a year ago i weighed 118-120 lbs, and a month ago i was 125-127 lbs. it’s a slow gain, but i am happy and impressed with myself that i am gaining any weight and improving my strength. it’s actually really cool to see how much i can do now compared to last year. i don’t like to push myself too hard by adding huge weights in the gym or else my motivation will crack if i’m not able to do something. but i think this gradual method works well with me. especially when I’m bored at home or waiting for something to load.
i’ve been feeling a little restless lately. I think it’s because i’ve been wanting to do something active regularly. I need to have some outlet to let out some energy. But having not started yet, and repeatedly telling myself to start, also adds to the frustration that i haven’t started yet!!
just as a reminder to myself, these are the things i want to do!
dance classes (i have a groupon i need to use)
pole dancing classes (i have a 10 class pass to use)
parkour (i still have 2 classes left from a groupon..)